Feeling constantly down, overwhelmed with stress, or completely consumed by a single ambition? It might be time to ask yourself a tough question: Is this goal actually good for me? We're often told to never give up, to push through, but what if that's exactly the wrong approach?
January, with its fresh starts and renewed determination, is a classic time for setting goals. But what happens when those resolutions turn into a source of anxiety and unhappiness? According to recent scientific research, sometimes the most empowering thing you can do is to let go. A fascinating study suggests that abandoning or modifying a goal can actually lead to greater happiness and well-being.
Hugh Riddell, a lecturer at Curtin University School of Population Health and the lead author of the study (published in Nature Human Behaviour - you can find it here: https://www.nature.com/articles/s41562-025-02312-4), puts it this way: "Deciding to let something go can be a real challenge." But, he emphasizes, "when people do make that decision, it often has surprisingly positive effects on their overall well-being."
Riddell's team conducted a meta-analysis, essentially a study of studies, examining a whopping 235 previously published papers. They looked at how people react to obstacles and changing circumstances by either disengaging from, re-engaging with, or adjusting their goals. The problem, as Riddell points out, is that our society often glorifies relentless persistence. We're constantly bombarded with the message that success comes to those who never quit.
"There's definitely some truth to that," Riddell acknowledges. "If we don't stick with something, we're unlikely to achieve anything." But here's where it gets controversial... When does persistence become a liability? When does it lead to frustration, unhappiness, and the neglect of other important aspects of life? "Where do we run into trouble when we're stubbornly clinging to something?" he asks.
Research consistently shows that doggedly pursuing the wrong goal can trigger stress, anxiety, and even depression. On the other hand, walking away, modifying your aim, or discovering a new passion can significantly improve your mental health.
Robert Vallerand, a psychology professor at the Université du Québec à Montréal, delves deeper into the psychology of passion. He argues that problems arise when our passion for a goal becomes an obsession. He distinguishes between two types of passion: harmonious and obsessive. Harmoniously passionate people can fully engage with their passion while still maintaining balance in other areas of their lives. They enjoy their pursuit without letting it consume them. Obsessive passion, however, is characterized by an inability to stop thinking about the goal, even when they're not actively working towards it. It's a constant, nagging presence.
Vallerand's research suggests that the type of passion you have is crucial in determining whether you should stick with a goal. Obsessive passion often leads people to pursue a goal even when it's demonstrably harming them, while harmonious passion allows for a more flexible and adaptive approach.
And this is the part most people miss... Vallerand points out that obsessive passion is often cultivated by external pressures. Perhaps someone important in your life has forced, enticed, or strongly encouraged you to pursue a particular goal. Harmoniously passionate people, on the other hand, typically choose their own goals based on intrinsic motivation and genuine interest.
Consider the story of Michael Milton, a Paralympic athlete who knows firsthand how passions can turn negative. He's currently training to qualify for the 2026 Paralympic Winter Games in Milano-Cortina, Italy, a path he's treading carefully.
Milton retired from Paralympic skiing in 2006 after an illustrious career spanning five Paralympics, six gold medals, three silver, and two bronze. But by his mid-thirties, he realized that his drive to win had diminished, and he decided to focus on other aspects of his life. "I haven't always enjoyed my Paralympic experiences," he confesses.
His love for skiing was rekindled when he started teaching his own children. Family holidays in the snow and backcountry adventures with his wife and kids reminded him of the simple pleasure of gliding down a mountain. Then, one night last year, as he lay in bed, he began to wonder what it would be like to have one more shot at the Paralympics. Now, at the age of 52, he's determined to return to the elite level of his sport.
Importantly, before making this decision, Milton had a serious conversation with his wife and children about the impact his training would have on their lives. He understood that pursuing this goal would require sacrifices from everyone in the family, and he wanted to ensure that they were all on board.
"I might flirt with the – let's call it the over-passionate end of potential – but I'd like to think I'm going about it relatively sensibly," he says. "I think I can make it fun."
This thoughtful and deliberate approach to goal-setting is exactly what Riddell recommends. It's crucial to ensure that you're pursuing goals that are actually right for you. "If you keep running into walls and it isn't happening for you, that can actually be really detrimental for a person's well-being and mental health."
Instead of stubbornly clinging to a failing goal, Riddell suggests reflecting on what initially attracted you to it. What aspects of the goal appealed to you? And could a modified version of that goal be equally satisfying, but more achievable?
He gives the example of climbing Mount Everest. What's the real allure of Everest? Is it the experience of being outdoors? Is it the sense of accomplishment? Or is it the desire to impress others with your tales of adventure? If the core desire is simply to explore the Himalayas, perhaps a hike to Everest base camp would be just as enjoyable, but with a significantly higher chance of success.
Carsten Wrosch, a psychology professor at Concordia University in Montreal, Canada, has dedicated nearly three decades to understanding the consequences of persisting with unattainable goals. He argues that feeling "glum" can be a valuable signal that a particular goal is wrong for you. Sticking with the wrong goal, he says, can lead to depression, stress, inflammation, and even physical health problems.
Wrosch also suggests seeking an outside perspective from a trusted friend. It's often difficult to objectively assess our own abilities and limitations. We tend to be overconfident, which can lead us to persist with goals that are simply beyond our reach. "Most people think they are better than average drivers," he quips. "That means, on average, people are more likely to make the mistake to hang on too long."
Riddell agrees that feelings of frustration and failure can be valuable indicators, helping us to set more appropriate and fulfilling goals.
"We should be looking for those goals that are boosting us up, and leading to that sense of satisfaction," he concludes. "It's that continual checking in and reflecting with yourself that's really critical."
So, what do you think? Is it better to relentlessly pursue a goal, even if it's causing you unhappiness? Or is it smarter to be flexible and willing to let go? Have you ever abandoned a goal, and did it ultimately improve your well-being? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!
